Life and Living It

I had a medical scare. Something I noticed. Something that could easily have been nothing just as easily as it could have been the dreaded disease in an advanced stage where there was little to be done. Beneath all my feelings I felt I was OK, but sometimes--surfacing like an evil spell, there was the image of doom, of the end, of all my chances for anything all shot to hell, because my days were numbered.

I thought of all the goodbyes I would make, be certain everything was in good order, how I would make sure my animals were cared for, and most important of all--that my daughter would be OK. But I would force and kick my way out of that hideous place to be and simply believe that this had come as a reminder that life is to be lived, enjoyed, savored, appreciated, every second of the day. Because it is a gift, the biggest and the best gift of all- a life.

And I reminded myself that the mind is the strongest thing we have for being well, that if we think good thoughts, good things will happen. And I did yoga, and turned my bad thoughts away, exchanging them for the good ones. And sometimes I felt simply that what is--is. And that all I can really do is be positive, trudge through the steps to wherever I need to go.

I took walks while I waited for the appointment that would tell me what I needed to know, I saw the simplest thing with a newfound delight--the way the pelicans cluster together before dipping down to scoop up their catch, the way the sun hid behind the trees and I could catch it by moving only slightly, the way the deer paid so perfect attention while I took their photograph, and realizing they could trust me, lowered their heads again to munch the dry grass.

I thought of someone I loved so dearly who held my hand when I was scared so long ago. And I promised myself that from this day forward I will move forward, savor each day, find joy in all the little things, live like a warrior, not a prisoner of fear.

I am happy today.

In the Company of Me

Something I've come to enjoy as I've grown older is my own company. A rather simple thing, I know. But it wasn't always like that. In my younger days it seemed I was happy only in the company of others. I ran away from the girl in the mirror. Searching for the right images to become--gestures to adopt as my own. "Who should I be?" The stuff of movies and books and film stars. . .I was good at that.

Conversations in my head or written down. Self-absorbed is not such a bad thing, you see. How else can you get to know someone?

Thoughts, reflections. So much enjoyment from the simple things--my backyard in the winter--with a carpet of leaves the colors of my cat's coat. And me--with all my imperfections. My strengths, my weaknesses. The moments I'd like to rewrite and live again. The times I'd like to edit from the tape. All the apologies I'd like to make. But it's all a progression. Reaching higher, learning, accepting that what you've done in the past is perhaps not what you should be doing now. And understanding that the only way you could know that is by having done them then--just as you did.

And recognizing your teachers. Understanding that anyone who has touched you lives inside you still. Reach in far enough and you'll touch them. Looking at the full moon over Mt. Tam and saying, "Wow."

Half-empty, but more than full

I love looking at things in different ways. And the idea of looking through things to see recognizable forms in a different context. I look at life this way.

Reflections

I continue to be fascinated by reflections. Because there are secrets contained within the image that reveal themselves and seem to change with the passing of time.

When I first looked at the photos, I thought I had taken the shots from outside, looking into the room through the glass and catching the reflection. Then I thought it must have been the other way around. In a way, it's like a puzzle. Certain clues, certain impossibilities.

And this one--a reflection of a fabric wall hanging superimposed upon my face so that it appears like a tribal mask and stripes (the slats from the balcony) painted on my body in silhouette.

Kauai

It seems we are getting closer and closer to the reality depicted in Brave New World, where connection with nature is more and more fleeting. Where "soma" takes you to the last vestiges of our natural environment. And our lives are filled with pointless scurrying.

If we were to step back, way back, and view ourselves from miles away, we would indeed see the scurrying of ants amidst our fragile blue planet. But sometimes--if even for a moment, we remember who we are and what the world is really about. We must hold on to this, always. If we lose synchronicity with it, we've lost everything. Paradise Lost. No, paradise regained. . .

And here the moon is nearly full. No need for photoshop or other editing tools. The world is more beautiful than that.

Imagine ancient worlds when human eyes first saw such things as this. . . Did they feel joy or amazement? Or did they view it as we view a freeway--mindlessly almost, a way to get where we are going. I'd like to pretend they smiled and felt something wonderful in their hearts. I'd like to imagine that a man and woman held each other tight, their cheeks touching, as they watched the moon change shape each night. Filled with wonder, in paradise, our ancient ancestors.



(from Brave New World: "..there is always soma, delicious soma, half a gramme for a half-holiday, a gramme for a week-end, two grammes for a trip to the gorgeous East, three for a dark eternity on the moon...")

Reflections

I'm always taken by reflections. Maybe I'm drawn by the re-assemblage of elements as they exist in reality that create a reality of their own. A condition that is not unlike what we often see in our dreams--a re-assemblage of thoughts we've had, things we've perceived, etc. I shot these photos at SF MOMA. Because of the reflective quality of the glass, the light, and the angle--images that are not actually part of the framed photograph seem to be part of the composition. I need to return to MOMA, because I'm curious to see where the photographs that are reflected are in relationship to the ones that I focused on and shot.

Stop Before You Sip

Before you take that sip of wine, you may want to check if it's made from organic grapes. Non-organic grapes, along with strawberries, blueberries, and celery (the worst), are among the most pesticide-saturated foods from the garden (or vineyard). When you consider the amount of grapes present in every glass of wine, you start to get an idea of the concentration of pesticides in each sip. Why does it matter?

Headaches are linked to pesticide consumption, along with a slew of other negative symptoms, including poor memory, lack of energy, and diarrhea. Obviously we can't nail these on pesticides alone, because like so many other ailments, they are not caused by only one thing. But it all comes back to this--pesticides are damaging to our ecosystems. And the incidence of cancer and other ailments among farm workers who live and work in pesticide-laden areas is an obvious and major indictment of pesticides. So bring in the ladybugs!

Wines made from organically grown grapes have been growing in popularity throughout the world. I’m lucky to live in Northern California, where there is a delightful host of wineries that produce their wine from organic grapes--Frey (America’s first organic winery, meaning not only do they produce their wine from organic grapes, but they do not add sulfites), Peju Province (where the wine tasting room looks like a medieval castle and the grounds are host to sculptures of some of the goddesses of Greek myth), and Frog’s Leap (vast organic garden, big house for wine-tasting, big old red barn where the wine barrels are stored), to name only a few.

If you’re in California and enjoy wine tasting, you may want to include some of these wineries on your list of things to do. You’ll learn more about sustainable farming, biodynamics, and why this makes sense for grapes, just like any other ‘food’ you put into your body. And you’ll have the opportunity to discover the often amazing architecture and grounds of these enchanting wineries. Look for wines made from organic grapes at stores like Whole Foods, Trader Joe’s, Safeway, or your local market. Often you need to check the back of the label to see the information you need.

Remember that for a wine to be considered organic, no sulfites can be added in the processing. So even if it was made from 100% certified organic grapes, but sulfites were added--it is not an organic wine. Sulfites are used to inhibit or kill unwanted yeasts and bacteria, and to protect wine from oxidation. In fact, sulfites are formed naturally during the fermentation process, but most winemakers add sulfites during the crushing, fermentation, and the bottling stages as well.

Check out the wine list at your favorite restaurant. If you don’t see any mention of "organic," suggest adding some. And meanwhile, raise your glass and be sure you can really say, "A votre sante."