maman

there was a time
when the whole world lived in you
when all i wanted was to sit in your lap
and look up at your dark eyes
and touch your chin
with my fingertips

i thought i could never be as beautiful as you
i didn't like who i was and pretended to be others
more beautiful and talented
anyone but me

as i grew up, you stopped seeing who i was
you were busy trying to mold me into something else
like a piece of clay that you soften and work
into a shape that reflects your thought

i pulled away from you. i was angry.
i didn't want to be someone else anymore. i wanted to be me.
i wanted you to see
and to love the person i was becoming
like a flower, with petals that unfold

but you compared me to other flowers
perhaps more fragrant or with colors
more vibrant
i struggled to be and to know who i was

you continued to love me and i to love you
but it was a pained love, full of frustration
and sadness
and then one day--instead of resenting
and pulling and pushing
i softened.

i simply let go to who i was, letting it unfold
like a flower
and you started to like me again
and i to like you

you finally accepted all those things you
wanted to change
and you started to see them in a new light
a bouquet of you and my father
with sprigs of my own
collected from deserts and hillsides
seashores and sidewalks, the wind and the rain.

i love you now like i did so long ago
when i fell asleep in your lap
in the backseat of the car
all cozy like a cat curled up in the warm
when everything was perfect, everything was calm
and you, after all these years, look at me and smile
you see who i am
and you love me more with all my imperfections
than the image all those years ago
you wanted me to be